What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
