I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize