you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
