You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
