You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
