great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
