Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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