I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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