Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
