I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
