Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i already hear my dad disowning me
Who wears a wallet chain?!
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
