Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
