Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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