dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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