Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
