Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
