I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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