I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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