so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
