When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
