Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
