I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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