i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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