in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
