He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
