you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
