there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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