is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
