When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??