Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.