So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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