can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I AM VODKA MAN
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
