this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
