haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
