I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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