I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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