Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
