also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
