moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
