if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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