Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
