And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
