The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
