why didn't you poke me back
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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