I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
