my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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