I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
