Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
