Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
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