no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
