Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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