Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
