Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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