Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
