tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He called his prostate his "boner button".
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Randomize
