If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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