in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
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Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
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he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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