i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
