saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize