mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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