You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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